Sex is about both partners – you and her. Make sex even better for her by using these simple but powerful tricks to get her completely engaged.
You have figured out how to get her talking outside the bedroom, but you need to be sure she doesn’t clam up as soon as you’re both naked. Here are a few ways to encourage her to talk before she has the chance to turn let her nerves get the best of her:
Sex Show & Tell
As soon as things get heated up and her shallow breathing and flushed skin shows she is moving beyond desire to arousal, give her the chance to show off her best moves. If it will make her feel less self-conscious, offer to masturbate for her as well. Just make sure to keep your composure and pay attention to what she’s doing.
Once she has gotten comfortable masturbating for you and showing you what she likes, ask her to describe what she’s doing and how it feels. This will almost certainly be more difficult for her, so be sure to give her lots of encouragement. Ask qualifying questions, like how much pressure she is using, what the texture of her labia feels like under her palm, how the temperature of her skin is changing, if she can feel her genitals swelling, or how the level of her arousal is changing.
Be ready to reciprocate if she wants to turn things around on you!
To make her even more comfortable showing you how she likes to be touched during sex, you need to be sure to give your wife lots of honest compliments. Tell her how beautiful she is, how much you love to watch her, how sexy her body is, how aroused she makes you feel, how much you want to give her pleasure, and how hot it is when she talks about what she’s doing. The more she knows that her words and actions are appreciated, the more comfortable she will feel and the more turned on she can get!
Even more important than compliments is responsiveness. Don’t just respond to her descriptions with “Mmmm, yeah” or “Oh, that’s hot.” Say things that let her know, without any doubt, that you are listening and paying attention. If she is describing how she likes her clitoris to be touched, say something back to her like “You look like that feels so good. I can’t wait to make you feel that good!” When she talks about her levels of arousal rising, tell her the things you can readily see that send you the same message – that she is lubricated, that her skin is flushed, that her body is warm, or that her breath is hot and heavy.
Tell her how hot she is and how turned on her arousal is making you, too. She will appreciate your attention! When you are in the act, pay attention to her sounds, and respond to them. If she obviously doesn’t like something, apologize and ask her if she liked the last thing you did. Go back to that before moving on. If she is really into something you are doing, moaning and enjoying herself, why not up the intensity a little bit by telling her how incredibly sexy she is when she’s getting off? Whisper in her ear “Mmm, you really like that, don’t you?” and wait for her to melt in your hands.
Stop, Slow, Full Speed Ahead!
I assume that you know the difference between a moan or coo of pleasure and a groan or grunt of pain during sex. If not, you should consider using a safe word of some kind, even if your play isn’t kinky. I prefer Red Light for “stop everything right now!” and reserve it only for emergencies, pain or panic. A Yellow Light means “Ooh, that’s a bit much, let’s try something else” and is a nice, low-pressure way for her to say that something isn’t working very well. If you ease up when you should be speeding up, she can use Green Light to let you know everything is okay. If she doesn’t just want to scream “Oh yes, more more MORE!”
Luckily for you, being turned on is a great way to remember the new sex skills you are going to be learning and practicing! A 1999 study found that the cognitive processes involved in arousal also make the brain more receptive to forming new memories. Even so; I know that it can sometimes be hard to focus when there is so much going on in so many different directions. Take a deep breath and practice a few of these exercises when everything seems to be a bit much, or you find your mind wandering off somewhere else.
Many concentration exercises suggest you start by focusing on your own breath. Instead, I want you to focus on her breath during sex. Listen to the sound of her sighs or gasps, watching her chest rise and fall as her lungs fill and empty again. Find the pattern and join in, matching your breathing to hers. Allow your movements to fall into rhythm with her breath, and don’t look back.
If you are getting so good at a few moves that you can handle closing your eyes, try to eliminate distractions by placing your palm over her heart and shutting your lids. Fall in line with her heartbeat and let everything else melt away. Open your eyes when you are once again ready to focus only on her.
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