Intimacy can be easy and natural — create a better bond with your partner with these 5 simple steps.
Intimacy is an important part of any relationship and it’s all too frequently mistaken for sex. Part of that may be the American euphemism of ‘being intimate’ being commonly understood as ‘having sex’. In this case, I’m not referring to the act of sexual intercourse, or even sexual foreplay, but rather discussing intimacy – both physical and emotional – in a relationship.
Intimacy has to do with the connection, the bond if you will, that a couple shares with both physical closeness and emotionally compatibility. Intimacy is the ability to share your feelings and thoughts with your partner, to be unafraid to speak your emotions, and also sharing a physical closeness that is comfortable and comforting to the relationship.
While in a committed relationship, sex is part of intimacy, sexual relations are not necessary in order for a couple to be intimate. For the physical aspect of intimacy, this can be something as simple as holding hands, cuddling on the couch, taking showers or baths together, kissing, hugging, a glance across the room, a wink, a nudge, the feel of his hand on the small of your back, an arm draped over shoulders during a movie, anticipating needs, and yes, even romance. Intimacy is all these things and so much more.
Many couples mistakenly take sex and intimacy to be synonymous, especially since the two do tie into each other. If a couple has a difficult or incompatible sex life, intimacy usually suffers. When intimacy suffers, the sex life usually is negatively impacted as well.
While both men and women crave intimacy, in American society, traditionally women crave intimacy more, while men are more inclined to desire sexual relations. This really isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it appears this might even be by design. It’s the balance of the two that makes for a good relationship – intimacy and sex – and thus, having one partner putting emphasis on one aspect while the other partner put emphasis on another aspect brings about that balance to the relationship.
The good news is, for the man, if intimacy is increased, the woman is more likely to desire sex. The good news is, for the woman, that if sex is increased, the man is more likely to desire intimacy outside of sexual relations. Of course, this works in reverse too.
The problem comes in when that balance between the two is off kilter, and as such, one partner may believe there is no problem while the other partner is not having their needs met. Some women have difficulty getting their partner to understand their desire for intimacy, but all is not lost. You can actually increase intimacy in your relationship without your partner even realizing it!
So let’s look at five quick and easy ways a woman can increase intimacy in her relationship without having to convince their partner there is a problem of to do anything differently!
Step #1: Increase Intimacy through Sex
I know you’re probably thinking that you have no desire to just ‘have sex’ when your intimacy needs are not being met, but if you keep in mind something I said earlier, that for most men sex leads to increased intimacy, it can’t hurt to try to have more sex in the bedroom in and effort to gain more intimacy outside of the bedroom.
Unfortunately, though, just laying there and letting him do his thing is going to do nothing to increase any good feelings for anyone. Get into it! Make him feel wanted and desirable. Tell him, as foolish as it may sound, that he is a love god, a stud, something, anything to stroke his ego. The better he feels you think he is as a lover, the more likely he will be to express intimacy outside of the bedroom.
Step #2: Increase Intimacy through Touch
Touch your partner as often as possible in non-sexual ways, without clinging or hanging on him. Generally, men do not like you to hang on them, or drape yourself around him when in public or in private. That doesn’t mean men don’t want to be touched. Instead, try walking by him and patting him on the rear end. I’m serious! Do it!
When you walk past his chair, run your fingers through is hair on the way to the bathroom. When you sit at the dinner table, give his hand a little squeeze before you set down. Brush your hand over his shoulder when walking past. Give him a shoulder rub or rub his temples if he’s tired. Touch him as frequently as you can but be sure to do it in a very subdued and non-aggressive way. This doesn’t require a lot of planning or thinking, just touch him! You’re going to find him responding to it. It takes time, so be patient, but the power of touch is just amazing.
Step #3: Increase Intimacy with More Together Time
This doesn’t mean hang all over him or just be in the house together. This means actually making the time to take the time to spend time together. Wow, that’s a sentence! Seriously though, this means finding some time, every day, to spend time with your partner, and just your partner. No telephone, no computer, no television. This can be 15 minutes talking before bedtime, going out to dinner together, or better yet, cooking dinner together and eating at the table and not in front of the television while doing other things. Just 15 minutes per day of complete alone time with each other each day can make a huge increase in overall intimacy.
Step #4: Increase Intimacy by Letting Him Know You’re Thinking of Him
Ah, but the trick is, to let him know you are thinking about him without making him think you’re checking up on him or being clingy. Leave him a note in his briefcase before he goes to work, or his lunch if he takes a lunch, and make it humorous or sexy! Leave him a sexy voice mail message or send him a sports gift basket or a coffee and candy basket or mug for a gift while he’s at work – something he can share with his buddies so they won’t tease him too much, like chips and beef jerky and cheese and crackers.
Step #5: Increase Intimacy by Asking for What You Need
If something is missing for you, then you have the right and even the obligation to ask for your needs. This doesn’t mean drop hints and then seethe silently when he doesn’t recognize them. You simply need to sit him down and tell him what you need. Don’t make it a request or a suggestion, but rather, let him know this is a need you have for the relationship.
Be sure your needs are needs and not just something you’d like to have but can do without. It needs to be specific too. Don’t just say, “I want you to touch me more.” He will likely think he tries to touch you more, and you won’t, and then you’ll be upset because he didn’t listen, when in his mind, he did.
Instead, tell him specifics and do it in a non-accusatory way. If you were hurt when you went to the restaurant on Saturday and he didn’t pull your chair out for you, instead of saying, “I’m mad at you because you didn’t pull my chair out!” say, “I’d like it if you would pull my chair out for me when we’re dining out.”
If you were upset when he didn’t introduce you to his buddy or coworker when you ran into them at the mall, instead of mentioning that, simply say, “Honey, in the future, it would make me feel as though you were proud of me if you would introduce me to your friends/coworker, etc.”
The point is, don’t accuse – ask. Don’t complain – ask. Don’t ask and then attack.
Nothing increases intimacy more than communication and open honesty without accusation.
These steps of course are not 100% guaranteed, and they definitely are not the ONLY ways to increase intimacy, but if you can begin to incorporate these steps into your relationship, you will see intimacy increasing without having to actually sit down and tell your partner you want more intimacy or with him even needing to DO anything. His responses will come when your approach changes.
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