Some may say that having bad sex is like eating pizza—even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. I respectfully disagree. Really, bad sex is like sitting through a long, terrible movie, coming to the realization that the preview was the best part, and wondering if there’s some way you can sneak out and leave without anyone noticing. Here, a list of bad habits your man probably has:
1. Skipping foreplay
We don’t need a a three-hour sensual massage followed by a Titanic-The Notebook double feature to get in the mood—and gotta-have-you-now sex can hit the spot—but if you’ve got the lovin’ feeling, don’t be shy about sharing. A quick shoulder rub and some old-school making out can go a long way.
2. Lazy dirty talk
Have you been bad? How bad? Do you want it? How much do you want it? Are we boning or playing 20 Questions? Knock yourself out with the dirty talk (really!), but mix it up and do a bit of the work—too many questions and it quickly turns into a weird, high-pressure interrogation.
3. Not returning the favor
Not to make it seem like a chore—plenty of women like giving head—but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reciprocate.
4. Sticking to only signature moves
Just like fingerprints and snowflakes, all women are different, so reading her body language while you’re showing off your best stuff is important. (Oh and if she doesn’t dig it, don’t try to convince her with the ol’ “but my ex liked it!”)
5. Going forever and ever and ever
It’s kind of like the difference between dancing to a few songs together and signing her up for a 1920s-style dance marathon at the local rec center. We appreciate your effort to give us the time we need, but you don’t get extra points for chafing.